Awake Forever
by tsutsuji
Summary: Kaworu makes Shinji nervous, only not in the usual way. yaoi


**Title: Awake Forever**  
Author: Tsutsuji  
Rating: M, adult  
Warnings: teenage boys sexin'  
Written for Springkink round VIII, Nov. 1 '09, Prompt: Invading Personal Space - "You're as close as it gets without touching me / oh no don't make it harder than it already is / I feel a weakness coming on"  
Word count: 1542  
Summary: Kaworu makes Shinji nervous, only not in the usual way  
Notes: I love these two but they are not easy to write. Comments would really be appreciated! (Faves are nice, but Reviews really, really rock, y'know?! *smile*)

* * *

It makes Shinji feel nervous, sitting so close together like this. It's just like the anxiety he feels most of the time anyway, with all the familiar signs: racing heart, frozen limbs, breath trapped somewhere high in his chest, except ...

_No, I'm not nervous, _he thinks._ I don't mind Kaworu being so close to me - I don't want to move away - but shouldn't I?_

They're sitting side by side on the sofa, where they were going to watch a movie or listen to music or talk, or... something; Shinji isn't sure anymore, but he thinks he didn't expect to be sitting so close to do it, whatever it was. Kaworu's leg is next to his, _almost_ touching, and they're shoulder to shoulder, so close Shinji can feel the air move between their arms. And those strange, red eyes are looking into his, so close that he can't help but stare back, and in confusion he tries to name their color: vermillion? crimson? Not ruby, he thinks; Kaworu's eyes don't glitter like gems, anyway. They are still, like shadows if shadows were red, except that they gleam, radiant with something very alive as Kaworu watches him, talking about something....

"I don't even know what you're saying," Shinji murmurs, because Kaworu says such strange things sometimes. Besides, all he can hear is a rushing sound in his ears, and even the sound of Kaworu's voice is like water washing over him, like a wave that seems to be rushing toward him but never quite reaches rushing white sound gets louder when Kaworu leans over, closer, bending around to look at him with a smile that seems slightly puzzled. Probably because Shinji hasn't responded to whatever he's saying, he thinks, so he tries harder to listen to the words.

"Your heart," Kaworu says. His hand hovers over Shinji's chest. "It's pounding so fast. Are you afraid, Shinji-kun?"

Kaworu asks the question in a way that sounds merely curious, only mildly concerned if at all. Looking into Shinji's eyes, leaning so close that Shinji knows the pale boy must be able to feel the heat radiating from his face now, Kaworu seems to be studying him, as if he's never seen this kind of fear in a person before.

"No!" Shinji answers quickly, breathless. _Not afraid. Should I be? _He jerks backward, except he doesn't really move, only twitches. _Shouldn't I be? _

"It feels nice... your heartbeat..." Kaworu says, and he's so close Shinji can feel his lips move, speaking and then curving upward slightly in his smile.

"Not... nervous..." Shinji murmurs, questioningly, because he isn't. Fear always makes his heart race and his limbs sluggish, just like this, but it always makes him cold, makes his hands and feet and face turn to ice, as if his blood has stopped circulating even though his heart is pounding so fast. He's not cold now, in fact he's very warm, his face his hot, and his blood is pounding in his veins like liquid fire.

Kaworu's skin is so white next to his, gleaming pale, and so close. Shinji wants to press his burning face against the white skin of Kaworu' neck; it must be cool, like marble. He likes the scent of Kaworu's skin, the clean scent of soap and fresh laundry along with the strange difference that goes with Kaworu's strange words and strange, red eyes.

Shinji finds he has pulled back, or Kaworu has moved; he's not sure which, only that there is air between them now, between his skin and Kaworu's, between his pounding heart in his chest and Kaworu's hand. He feels the absence of the warmth where they were almost touching, surprised by it: so maybe Kaworu's skin was not as cool as he imagined, but heated, like his own face feels right now, warm as if lit from within like the coal-red eyes.

He's looking down at Kaworu's hand, watching it move away. It seems as if it belongs where it was. Shinji has an urge, almost, to reach for it and take it, take those cool, white fingers that leave heat where they touch him, and press them back to his chest.

And then he finds that he's done it after all, he's reached up and curled his own fingers and thumb around Kaworu's palm. He thinks he can feel a heartbeat in the touch, but he's not sure whether it's his - racing as it is - or Kaworu's.

Red eyes look down at their clasped hands, and Kaworu makes a little startled sound, but he doesn't seem as surprised as Shinji is. He smiles, after a second, that thin, mysterious smile, and moves closer again. Back to where they were, with Kaworu leaning across him a little, his palm flat on Shinji's chest - only, somehow, on his bare skin now, slipping inside Shinji's unbuttoned shirt.

When Kaworu reaches around and nudges him forward, Shinji discovers the white skin of Kaworu's throat is not so cool after all, but it's still cooler than his own burning face pressed against it.

Shinji slowly, strangely realizes that he's sliding sideways and down, onto the sofa - without meaning to, he's sure. It must be Kaworu pushing him back, he thinks, and he should stop letting him do this. But he doesn't let go of the cool hand that he holds pressed against his pounding heartbeat, and for all he can tell, he's the one falling and pulling Kaworu down with him.

The rushing sound is louder in his ears, the wave pulling him under, he's tangled up in Kaworu, and there's nowhere to go. He's sinking, and Kaworu is closer everywhere now, all around him, and Shinji still can't tell if he's trying to push him away or pulling him along. He really can't understand what Kaworu is saying, or why he's saying anything at all, until Kaworu says his name questioningly again, bringing him up short, suddenly.

"Shinji-kun?"

Shinji blinks, staring up at red eyes, Kaworu's face hovering above his. He realizes, as the wave of confusion recedes a little, that he's lying on his back on the sofa, that he's getting hard, and that Kaworu's hand is on his naked waist, ready to tug his pants open.

For a head-spinning second, Shinji does panic. _He'll notice I've got an erection! _he thinks, wildly, forgetting to breathe. Then, of course, sense (of a sort) returns. _That's the point, idiot. _

"Shinji-kun, this is okay, right?"

Kaworu is smiling, as if he already knows the answer, as if he knows _everything_.

_It shouldn't be, should it? _But Shinji nods.

Maybe Kaworu didn't know already, after all, because he sighs a little as if he's relieved, and sinks down onto Shinji, and his hand slips inside...

But it's not just his hand that meets Shinji's erection. Shinji discovers that Kaworu's skin is _very_ hot after all, scorching hot and hard against his... and when Kaworu puts his hand around both of their cocks, Shinji groans and curls his fingers around whatever he's got hold of at that point, the back of Kaworu's shirt with one hand, his sleeve with the other.

Kaworu drops down against him, pressing his face to Shinji's hair, and murmurs..." ah... I ... that's it, isn't it..." whispering it, softly, wonderingly, as if he's surprised. Shinji's not sure if it's really meant as a question or for him to answer, but he nods his head anyway, tries to say "yes" to make sure Kaworu doesn't let go, but his mouth only forms Kaworu's name.

Then Kaworu is kissing him - mouth on his, tongue pressing inside, the taste of him hot and as strange as all the rest and yet, somehow, familiar, as if some part of Shinji remembers sharing his breath before.

Kaworu's hand around both of them, cool fingers stroking heated flesh together, is like the center of a shared universe he never knew existed. Even though he's weighed down under Kaworu's body, it feels like they're climbing up together, defying gravity, propelled together out into some great, high, endless sky. It comes into his head that they're joined together, touching so much like this. Kaworu is closer than anyone has ever been, and he doesn't mind it at all, after all. They couldn't _be_ any closer, he thinks, except, unless...

He suddenly thinks of letting Kaworu _inside._ Instead of scaring him breathless, the thought of it makes him come, gasping so loud he's almost screaming. Just when he thinks he's done, Kaworu groans as his own orgasm hits. It's a strange, shockingly desperate sound keening out of those lips against Shinji's mouth, and it makes him shudder as if he's coming again.

Shinji wraps his arms around Kaworu, and holds on - as tight as he dares, because Kaworu's thin, pale body suddenly feels fragile on top of his - and even while he wonders _how did this happen? we were just sitting there..._ it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Almost as if he understands what Kaworu meant when he said "_I was born to meet you," _ as if this is the one person he could ever allow to be this close.

~ end ~


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